Santa Is Packing His Sleigh
It’s the night before Christmas and all through the house . . . Well, you know. But what most don’t see is all that goes on behind the scene at the North Pole where there is a buzz of activity. The Elves had been working feverishly on all the requests in Christmas letters, or now text messages, checking who has been naughty and nice, preparing everything for Santa’s big trip.
Now its time to load the sleigh. The Chief Elf has the list. Santa is double checking everything . . .
Santa: Chief Elf, we need to get going. How is everything coming?
Chief Elf: All systems go Santa . . .
Santa: We need to double check a few items . . . I have a text message here from somebody called the Chair of the SEC . . . not sure what a chair is –
Chief Elf: That is what Mary Jo White calls herself now that she has taken over the SEC. You remember her Santa?
Santa: Of course, they called her “Mary Joe Everywhere” when she was the U.S. Attorney in Manhattan because she thought she could charge conduct from everywhere in Manhattan. But chair . . . “ Well skip that . . I see from her text that she wants some assistance from us. Seems “everywhere” is now a new SEC enforcement program called “omnipresent” – the staff has to be everywhere all the time . . . impossible of course but . . .
Chief Elf: I don’t see how we can do that Santa.
Santa: Well she wants a wire tap into the NSA wire tap . . .
Chief Elf: But Santa, I think that may be illegal, we can’t . .. I mean how could we . . .
Santa: No of course not . . . but I did get her one thing – a Skype conversation with Edward Snowden . . .
Chief Elf: Hmmmm . . . ok but what about those new “Co-enforcement Directors,” George Canellos and Andrew Ceresney? They have to be “omnipresent” with “swagger” to impress everyone how tough the SEC is . . . I don’t think Snowden can’t help with that.
Santa: Quite right Chief Elf. But I have just the thing! A new DVD – in Blueray—of the early days of Elvis, now that man could move his hips. Should help theses guys get moving! What else?
Chief Elf: In have a first for you here Santa. Preet Bharara, the U.S. Attorney in Manhattan, claims he got everyone and has cleaned up the securities markets. He says thanks for the help with those wire tap tapes. This year he doesn’t need anything.
Santa: Nothing for Christmas? Hmm . . . Well ok but put this down – You know that article by Judge Radkoff, I have an autographed copy that we should drop off for Preet.
Chief Elf: Perfect Santa. Now what about Gary Gensler, the CFTC Chairman. Remember the last couple of years he wanted us to help put his agency on the map in derivatives. And, now he wants . . .
Santa: What more could he possibly want . . . I mean not only did we help with all that new authority in Dodd-Frank but with the rule writing . . .
Chief Elf: Well he wants a ticket on Net Jets, which is sold out, to get out of town since Congress won’t fund his agency and now he can’t run it . . . .
Santa: Net Jets! Now I know those guys like that but were does he think he is, Goldman Sachs? He is still a public servant.
Chief Elf: But Santa, can we just leave him there? I mean its not his fault Congress is what it is . . .
Santa: Well that is a good point . . . ok, send Gary a text. Tell him no Net Jets but meet me by the Washington Monument and I will pick him up and give him a ride on my rounds. We need to chat about his agency anyway.
Chief Elf: Now we have requests from two people at JPMorgan Santa, Jamie Diamond, the CEO, and Stephen Cutler, the General Counsel. Mr. Diamond says he needs peace from the regulators. Mr. Walker claims it is all unfair, the regulators are picking on him and his firm.
Santa: Yes, I am familiar. I have seen what those two have been up to. Hedging the firm. Energy business. Commodity business. I can’t figure out what that firm does. Remind me to call Warren Buffett about that later. Anyway, for now, here is what we will do. For Jamie Diamond, Chief Elf, contact Captain Kirk. Tell him we to borrow the federation’s cloaking device. Jamie can use it for a week while he cleans all this up and get back to running a bank. But put a note in with the device tell him if that he doesn’t, I am going to make sure each case against the firm ends up on Jed Rakoff’s docket.
Chief Elf: I will set that up now Santa. What about Stephen?
Santa: Yes, right here. A leather bound, complete set, of his speeches as SEC Enforcement Director!
Chief Elf: We have one more Santa, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue . . . it is . ..
Santa: Yes, I know, the President. We helped him get a second term but it does not seem to be working out quite the way he planned. The shut down; the health care website . . . what a mess. Here, put this bottle Love Potion No. 9 in the sleigh along with the directions on how to dump it into the water system on Capitol Hill. Love and peace for an entire month, just what the season ordered – and what the President needs!
Santa: By the way I want to thank you for all the dedicated public service. I know it has been hard but I guarantee you, Chief Elf Khuzami, it will pay off.
With that Santa jumped in his sleigh with a twinkle in his eye. Rudolph lit the way as the sleigh took flight and Santa shouted “A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”